The Ultimate Craigslist Ad..
If you know me at all, you know that I am the pickiest motherfucker in the world when it comes to guys. After mentioning to my room-mate that the idea of dating a guy with a PC made me physically sick (and how ridiculous she thought that was), she directed me to this Craigslist ad:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/835057632.html
She inspired me to create a (mock) singles ad of my own. I warn you that much of this is for dramatic effect, but its all pretty true…ONWARD!
Preface: If you are a vampire (Edward Cullen), wizard (Ron Weasley), or possess any sort of super hero or magical talent/power (being an excellent beer pong player does not count, though extra points are rewarded), you can pass go AND collect $100. Take me now, you blood sucking, magical sexy beast, you! If you are British, you get an automatic +20 points.
For the rest of you “commoners”, proceed…
Must have a MAC. No PCs allowed (I honestly believe this should be somewhere near the first amendment) . Lets face it: studies show that most PC users make frequent appearances on “To Catch A Predator.” If you knowingly use a Dell, then there’s a good chance you are knowingly a child molester.
Must be TALL. 6 feet is the minimum, 6’3 is prime, no maximum. If you continually tend to hit your head on doorways, you can call my direct line as soon as possible for further evaluation. Midgets please continue walking.
I LOVE REDHEADS. I can’t think of anything better than a soulless, sun poison prone redhead. I am well aware that gingers are rare (folklore says most are found at the end of rainbows), and I am also well aware that attractive gingers are pretty much nonexistent (Carrot Top is an example of their usual features). I DO know quite possibly the only really good looking redhead, and I am determined to find another (Rupert Grint, this means you). I know you’re out there, cute gingers!!!!
Because I am rational, I won’t limit myself to redheads. (although all you other haircolors will be secondary) But long hair is a must…I don’t want to date Mr. Clean, and if you shaved your head for any reason besides losing a bet, chances are you memorized the entire Nickleback / Creed / Staind / Hinder discography..no thank you sir.
Must NOT have a psycho ex girlfriend. This is a big one. God, I think I’m cursed or something. I always get myself involved with weirdo dudes with ex girlfriends who WON’T GO AWAY. This girl is always ugly, boring, unintelligent and all around shitty (oh, and did I mention CRAZY?). She’s usually good to make fun of for a hot second, but you need to rape-wash your eyes after examining. This means NO threatening to commit suicide (it’s honestly getting old), NO death threats him or me, no burning of personal belongings, no calling five hundred times in a row, and dear God, no crying YouTube videos.
I would like to say you must be mentally sane, but lets all agree that I am attracted to weirdos. If you told me a story that you usually use to scare off girls, chances are I’ll probably date you. I also have a specialty for falling for boys with substantial social / emotional problems. So I’ll leave this bullet point open ended…
Must be musical and/or artistic. I won’t even attempt to hide that everyone knows I love my musicians. Playing a banjo counts…paying a bagpipe does not (unless you are an Irish ginger, then I will reconsider). Things that also do not count are you showing me your “sweet” acoustic guitar then following through with your rendition of “All The Small Things”. I am an artist and surround myself with those who will inspire me both artistically and mentally, and your In n Out drive thru skills don’t really do it for me.
Must be a dog person. I HATE CATS. Dudes who like cats fall into the same category as dudes who have a PC… chances are it’s what you lure 12 year old girls to your house with, it just flat out gives me the creeps. Snoop Dog says, “cats judge people” and Jac Vanek says “I judge people with cats”. In addition to being a dog-person, you must love what I call SMUSHY FACED DOGS. This category includes pugs, bulldogs, French bulldogs, English bulldogs, boston terriers, boxers, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I like fluffy little shits, but smushy faced dogs rule supreme. The only exceptions to this rule are the Husky, Pitbull & Greyhound, those beautiful beasts.
Must LOVE rollercoasters. If you are scared of roller coasters, besides being completely irrelevant to the real world, you are a straight up pussy and definitely won’t wear the pants in the relationship. If you go to Disneyland and get a thrill by riding the teacups, you are flat out a douche with a side of bag. NEXT..
Must love sushi. If you don’t like sushi, you are a weirdo and probably just haven’t eaten good stuff yet. There is a reason sushi is expensive, its fucking delicious.
Must respect the fact that I am a vegetarian, and no, you’re not going to make a bet with me that you’ll talk me into eating meat. Buddy, I don’t give a flying shit what you think, it’s not happening. I don’t care if you eat meat (I’ll just constantly remind you what is REALLY in a hotdog), just be respectful.
Politics. I don’t want to go into this one, because it’ll end up being a long rant. However briefly- I am a strong Democrat, and to save the sake of both of our lives, I would prefer to date a fellow donkey. If you think Sarah Palin is a “VPILF (Vice President I’d Like to Fuck)” and that rights aren’t important, I will probably consider you to be unintelligent and disregard the fact you exist. Lets face it, political views are rooted in your morals and values, so if we aren’t on the same page on that, we might as well throw up the white flag before we start.
Ah, here’s a big one. NO MORONS. I swear to God, I seriously die inside just a little bit every time someone uses “u” instead of “you”, “r” instead of “are”, “b” instead of “be”, and so on. No, its not cause you’re “lazy”, its not cause you’re “artsy”, its because you’re a moronic fucking peon who must have been drunk during grammar lessons in 2nd grade. Further, if you honestly don’t know when to use “you’re / your” or “there / their / they’re” properly, please refrain from ever speaking to me again. We can no longer communicate. Instead, use your new free time to reevaluate your existence on this planet. You are a shame to human beings, you incompetent douchebag.
Oh, and personal pet peeve. Learn how to spell the words “definitely” and “ridiculous” right. JUST DO IT, BITCH.
So, that’s about it. Not too difficult, right? I know you’re out there, Rupert Grint, I know it!
That was a lot of text…how about a photo?
Happy Tofurkey Day!
xx- jv
